If you have at least three brain cells left after all your drunken endeavors, and you leave your house at least once a week for something other than take-out sushi (for I know how hard it is to find a joint that delivers), or you watch cable, satellite, or cancer-wave television, or you receive a newspaper or a magazine delivery other than Electronic Gaming Monthly (Playboy counts; it has articles), you probably know about the so-called Patriot Act. Ironic that something so named takes away several of the liberties that our government was founded to protect. The Onion takes a stab at the latest development. Before I pulled up the body of that piece, I thought it was just another classic Onion one-liner (like "Nation's Elderly Hit Hard By Closing Automatic Doors"). "Secret searches ruled illegal"...it's only a crime if you get caught, right?